My middle night thoughts

Hello peeps. Here I am, selepas berkurun lamanya tak update. Ada banyak benda aku nak share, tapi tulah, niat je. 

I'm currently at campus right now. Esok jadual pack, dah tengah malam, supposedly kena tidur. But I feel like nak cakap2 kat sini.

Recently I had the thoughts untuk berhenti. Berhenti dari course yang aku ambil ni. Course apa? Diploma in Culinary Arts. Yes I know, some might say "eh diploma je kot, belum degree" or something like "eh kulinari je, masak2 je, tu pun takleh tahan? Lemah"

Alangkan aku nak masuk culinary ni, ramai yang persoalkan sebab spm aku pure science. Tapi... generally aku boleh cakap, aku tak minat science? Chemistry aku minat, tapi not biology, not physics, not addmath.

Aku minat masak2 ni. Atau lebih spesific, baking. Masak campak2 ni aku kureng sikit. Tapi aku fikir, why not ambil culinary, scope dia besar sikit, boleh belajar semua - kitchen dengan baking. So tahun 2019 aku dengan confidentnya letak dip culinary as first choice dekat upu. And dapat. Little did i know first semester je belajar fundamental of baking. Semester lain semua western. Tapi, that's not the biggest problem pun.

But, the biggest problem here is, my circle. My environment. I'm not happy. I thought I will be happy la kan sebab dengan confident pilih course yang aku rasa aku minat while kawan2 aku ada yang parents suruh masuk matriks la apa semua. Tapi no.

I hate it here. Everything is so suffocating. I cried at the little problems. Hari2 aku rasa tak sihat. Tapi not to the extent yang aku kena pergi unit kesihatan. Just a constant uncomfortableness. But I hate that.

Tapi nak berhenti bukan senang. Aku baru start semester 3. Aku apply jpa dermasiswa. Aku bertahan untuk dapat pointer 3.5 above pun sebab jpa. Jujur, memang dah takde keikhlasan dah. So what if aku kena bayar balik semua kos pengajian aku? Mana nak cari duit?

Dulu, aku ingat aku boleh stand alone. Aku ingat boleh buat benda yang aku nak buat even sorang2. But no, sebenarnya circle pun main peranan. Walaupun aku tak berapa minat sains, tapi aku teruskan je sampai habis spm, aku happy. Sebab circle aku buat aku happy. But now, even aku buat benda yang aku minat, aku rasa suffocated gila. Rasa taknak hidup, tapi taknak mati.

I think I need to reach for help. But what if I'm okay je sebenarnya. Pastu people will think yang I'm overreacting over small things? And what if lepas tu, I got worse tapi cannot reach for help sebab they told me I'm okay? That my feelings tu just in my head je? Not really serious?

That's it. If you happen to read my story, i really hope you dont know me. But if you do know me, please act like you never read this :) Thank you, I'll appreciate it so much.